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The Situationship No One Talks About: Roommates

  • Writer: Sarah Biren, LSW
    Sarah Biren, LSW
  • Sep 16
  • 7 min read

3 Ways to Set Emotional Boundaries with Your Roommate

By: Sarah Biren, LSW Psychotherapist at Perez Therapy, LLC


Coffee talk
Friendly conversation over coffee - webphotographeer

Roommates are the situationship no one talks about. It’s just complicated enough to make an impact but not complicated enough to talk about it. And honestly, I get it. Having an honest conversation about your personal living needs (e.g. if you leave even a spoon in the sink, I will be filled with a fiery wrath) can feel daunting. So, let’s talk about it! Two very important things to keep in mind. One, your needs are valid. Everyone has their quirks and comforts. Own them. And two, it’s your home too! Everyone deserves to walk into that front door and melt into their little homey haven.


Full transparency: I am not going to pretend I am an expert on the art of living harmoniously with others. If anything, I am still on the cohabitation learning curve. What I am going to do is share a few tools I wish I had when I found myself in the downfall of the cohabitation rollercoaster. Consider this a little safety kit for your living situationship. 


When you live with someone, you inevitably start to fall into each other's rhythms. You share toilet paper, meals, Netflix accounts (sorry Netflix, no one is actually paying for separate subscriptions), and sometimes, without even realizing it, emotions. Over time, a roommate can easily become more than just someone you split a space with. They can become a source of support, a sounding board, even a trusted confidant. It all tracks. But here’s the twist…that kind of emotional connection can also start to feel a little… heavy. 


And I’m not talking about the burden of doing their dishes (truly, that spoon will send me from 0 to 60 in a heartbeat), I mean the emotional load that can creep in.


I recently interned as a therapist at a student health and counseling center. Students struggling to find balance in their living sitch? Very popular topic. Especially for those in their freshman year. Your roommate quickly becomes your go-to buddy. You take each other to events, grab meals in between classes, and vent about that one professor who thinks assigning a daily 80-page reading is a reasonable request (even as an avid reader, it’s so not. No no.). But here’s the thing: college is this magical, ever-changing space where people are constantly evolving. And sometimes (most times, yes, I said it.), that personal evolution doesn’t always happen together. Suddenly, the lines between “friend” and “roommate” start to blur, and with them, so do your expectations of each other. It can feel like you’re trying to hold on to a relationship that’s no longer there or worse, you start feeling this weird sense of obligation to keep pretending things are fine.: Cue the build of resentment here:


To speak to a different kind of roommate experience, I had a living situation end on such a sour note, I moved out without even a word. And while I don't share that proudly, I do share it honestly because it taught me what happens when emotional boundaries aren’t in place.


We were close friends for over a decade. When I needed to move for my grad school program, they generously opened their home to me. At first, it felt easy, but slowly, things started to shift. There were a few key moments that blurred the line between being roommates and being friends, but the biggest issue was the absence of real communication. 


Because we had been closed for so long, we assumed we understood each other’s needs. We thought the friendship would fill in the gaps where conversations should have happened. Instead of clarifying our boundaries, we let assumptions take their place. We went nearly a month without speaking more than a few strained words to each other, and eventually, I moved out without any notice.


What I’ve learned is this: even the strongest friendships need structure to stay healthy when you're sharing a home. Boundaries aren’t a practice of distance, but a practice to maintain closeness with respect and care.


Alright, onto the good stuff.


The good stuff! There is a way to maintain connection without sacrificing your emotional well-being. The secret sauce? Boundaries.


Please, Sarah, no. Not the boundaries talk.


I know. It’s one of those terms that’s been thrown around so much it can feel like it’s just a buzzword. The honest truth though? Boundaries, when practiced the right way, can actually offer immense clarity and relief. Even better (and this is my favorite part!): setting your boundaries does not require the other person to do anything. I’ll say it again. Setting your boundaries does not require the other person to do anything. Setting boundaries is 100% your own practice. No waiting for someone to “get it” or “change” for you. If you practice your boundaries, the only thing that’s required is you sticking to them. 


Sticking to your boundaries requires two equally important parts. Part one: being honest with yourself. Remember those personal living needs? Your quirks and comforts? Be honest with what they look like. This is where you get to see them come to life! Part two: follow through with that honesty. The only way your roommate is going to know what you really need or what you really prefer is if you really tell them.


Let’s get into it. 


Here are three emotional boundaries every roommate situationship can use to stay healthy, informed, and drama-free.


Roommates conversation
Two Women Talking - Odile Unsplash

1. Ask Before You Vent


You could say:

“Hey, can I vent for a sec?”

“Do you have the space to talk something out with me?”


Why it matters:


We all need moments to vent. We are all human, and life has all its lemons. When you get home, it can feel like the perfect place to unload. Since your roommate’s often the first person you see, they can end up getting the emotional play-by-play whether they signed up for it or not. Venting without checking in first is like tossing a hot potato without warning. We assume they're ready both physically and mentally, but that’s not always the case. They could also be wrestling with a rough day, be tired, or just be trying to remember what silence sounds like.


A simple “Hey, can I vent for a sec?” gives your roommate a chance to check in with themselves and respond honestly. Whether it’s “Yeah, go for it,” or “I want to hear, but can we raincheck for another time?” Over time, those small moments of consideration add up to a living space that feels mutually understood and consensual.


2. Protect Your Privacy


You could say:

“Can we agree on knocking before entering each other’s rooms?”

“Are you okay with guests going into our rooms, or would you prefer they stay in shared spaces?”

“How do you feel about sharing things like clothes, toiletries, or food?”


Why it matters:


Physical boundaries support emotional ones. If you’re never sure when your roommate might walk in, or you feel like you always have to be okay with having company over or sharing your stuff, eventually it can start to feel like there’s no space that is truly yours.: Again, cue the slow, simmering boil of resentment here:


Setting clear, respectful expectations around things like private space, hosting, and personal belongings creates a living environment where everyone is on the same page and knows what to expect. It’s also okay for the conversations around these elements to change! Spoiler: they probably will. What matters most is keeping communication open, so everyone continues to feel comfortable and respected at home.


3. Alone Time Is Not a Rejection


You could say:


“I’m going to take some solo time, but let’s catch up later!”

“Just a heads up, I’m in a quiet mood today, nothing personal.”

“I’m feeling a bit low energy, so I might be keeping to myself.”


Why it matters:


Some people recharge by being around company. Some people prefer solo time to decompress. Neither approach is wrong, but what matters is communicating where you’re at. There’s a big difference between wanting alone time and actually choosing it. When you communicate this clearly, you help avoid misunderstandings and prevent your roommate’s imagination from filling in the gaps. 


On the other side of the coin? If your roommate takes alone time, try not to take it personally. Give each other grace to be whole, independent people. A little space can go a long way in keeping the connection strong.


Check In


When boundaries are missing, even the most compatible roommates can start to feel overwhelmed or quietly resentful. And let’s be honest, no one wants to tiptoe around their own home like it’s a minefield. So, take a moment to check in with yourself:


  • Do you feel comfortable saying no or asking for space?

  • How often do you feel genuinely relaxed in your shared home?

  • Do you ever avoid being home? Why?

  • Are there moments when you feel your privacy is overlooked?

  • Do you feel emotionally drained after most of your conversations?


Notice your answers. It might be time for a boundary chat.


Women talking
Women Talking To Each Other - KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA

Bonus: 5 Conversation Starters!


Oof. What if it is time for a boundary chat? Not sure how to start it off? I totally get it. Starting the chat can feel sticky. To help give a gentle nudge, here are five opening lines to get the chat going. Feel free to tweak them so they sound like you:


1. “Hey, how are you feeling about how things are going around here?” 

A wide open doorway to a two-way conversation.


2. “I’ve noticed I need a bit more downtime. Can we figure out how to make that work for both of us?”

Shares your needs clearly while offering an opportunity for solutions.


3. “What helps you feel supported when things get stressful here?” 

Shows you care while also addressing personal needs.


4. “Can we chat about how we handle guests or visitors? I want to make sure we’re both comfortable.”

Keeps the conversation focused on preferences and expectations.


5. “Would you be okay with setting some quiet hours or alone time during the week?”A practical way to introduce boundaries around space and noise.


No matter you're living situationship, whether it’s a college dorm, shared apartment, co-op, or multi-room household mystery of WHO LEFT THE SPOON, your emotional well-being matters. You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to feel comfortable. You deserve to come home and feel at home. And, you’re allowed to have conversations, set limits, and prioritize your needs to make that happen.

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