Being You: A Guide to Authenticity

By: Alex Clements, LSW At Perez Therapy, LLC.

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What is Authenticity?

To be authentic is to be genuine. It means your actions and behaviors are in alignment

with your inner values rather than allowing the desires to fit in to drive what you do. People who are authentic show themselves to others as they are, not how they think others want them to be. A broad understanding of being authentic suggests that our personal standards about who we really are is in alignment with the actions and ways we present ourselves in our everyday lives.

Why Is Authenticity Hard?

Being authentic can be a challenge for many people because of a strong desire to be

accepted by others in our lives/world/community. Many people have significant fears of not

being accepted and what it would mean to be outcast or judged for being our true selves.

Beginning in childhood, people start to learn what acceptable behaviors, traits, and values are from their families and peers. We’re fed messages about what is and isn’t acceptable by the society we live in. When I was growing up, this came in the form of significant fat shaming of actresses and models who didn’t have perfectly flat stomachs or thigh gaps. It came in the form of slut shaming (think Taylor Swift, and the focus put on who she has dated) and shaming people for working certain types of jobs (not having a college degree = less successful). With the rise of social media, we now are fed content from an algorithm, one that is designed to make us feel bad about ourselves to the point where we buy whatever is being sold to help us fit in with others (Labubu, the latest fad skincare product, fast fashion).

If you think back to your early years, it’s pretty likely that you recall others, or even yourself, experiencing consequences for being themselves, whether that was being bullied for not wearing the right clothes or reading manga or listening to the wrong music. Perhaps you or a friend had parents who were very particular about their image, and by extension, your image. There may have been an expectation that you are allowed to enjoy what you enjoy, but you have to hide it from others, or you may have received messaging that what you enjoy is never OK. This lesson may not have been overt, as it is often small rejections and redirections (“why would you wear that” or commentary about how others present themselves).

For some people, these experiences shape their view that in order to avoid feelings of

embarrassment or shame for who they are, they have to perform and put forth an “acceptable” version of them around others. This comes in many forms, from dressing a certain way to lying about our interests or hiding our enthusiasm about things.

But fitting in is a good thing…. right?

Yes….and also no. The part of us that helps us to act in ways that are appropriate for

the setting we are in can be seen as an adaptive, protective part. This part prioritizes being a

member of society and avoiding feeling like we don’t belong- being rejected. In many ways, we conform to the groups we are part of and the expectations others have for us. This is not

inherently bad, however when we begin to act in ways that conflict with who we really are, it starts to be a challenge because we can internalize that we are not good enough or we do not belong. Often, people may prioritize what they believe their values should be and end up feeling stressed out and like they are not living a life that feels good to them, because they aren’t. It takes a lot of energy to act in ways that are not who you are, and many times when you take off the mask you are wearing, it can be hard to accept the choices you might have made. Guilt and shame are other feelings that can come up for people who are acting outside of their value system.

Scrabble - Brett Jordan Unsplash

So…Why Be Authentic?

Often, when we hide who we are in order to conform, we begin to see ourselves as a problem. We might develop beliefs that others can’t accept who we actually are because it is

different from what we believe others want from us. These beliefs can often become ingrained in us and lead us to believe that letting anyone see us for who we are will result in rejection, so the part that wants us to fit in might take over to prevent us from facing that feeling. We then begin to feel a conflict between being who we are and being who we think others want us to be. This internal conflict can destroy our sense of self-worth or prevent us from developing it in the first place.

Being authentic is a way for people to show up for themselves and to develop more positive self-esteem. By being authentic in our relationships, we offer an opportunity for others

to see and accept us for who we actually are.

How Can I Start to Be More Authentic?

1. Start now. Consider where you are and what you’re doing right now. How much of your

current behavior/presentation feels authentic? Can you identify the things you are doing

that are inauthentic? What would feel like a more authentic thing to do? (a personal example: as I type this blog and am considering my own behaviors, I’m recognizing that

the way I am sitting in my chair is uncomfortable, but it’s “acceptable.” There’s nobody

around, would it really make a difference for me to sit differently, even if I can hear an

old teacher’s voice telling me to “sit right”?)

2. Observe Yourself in Different Settings. How do you adapt and change for different environments and situations? How hard are you trying to behave in the ways you think

others want from you? Among those of us with some form of neurodivergence, we often

refer to this as “masking.”

3. Investigate Key Experiences. Can you think of a time when you received negative

feedback when you were being authentic? What have you learned about how you are

supposed to behave or show up among family, coworkers, classmates, friends? How did

those experiences impact your sense of self, and what beliefs are you carrying with you

as a result?

4. Consider Alternatives. If you were being your authentic self, how would you behave

differently? What would be different?

5. Explore the times you feel most like yourself. Were you doing something in

particular? Were you with anyone? What allowed you to be this true version of yourself?

6. Practice Being You. Consider who in your life gets to see the most authentic version of you. If it feels safe, let go of the mask and allow yourself to be authentic. Another option is to consider someone who’s opinion of you has very little importance to you (a bus driver, a stranger, a barista?) and be the truest version of yourself with them. It’s okay if it feels scary, but allow yourself to be open to any other feelings that might also come up

for you.

Talk - Jessica Da Rossa Unsplash

How Can Therapy Help with Being Authentic?

Looking this closely at ourselves, and parts of ourselves we have conditioned ourselves

to be embarrassed or ashamed of can be emotionally taxing. It’s uncomfortable and sometimes painful to be honest about the ways we have prioritized conformity over authenticity. Therapy can be a supportive, nonjudgemental environment to allow yourself to explore what it means to be yourself. You and your therapist might explore your values and challenge the deeply held beliefs that may have served you once, but don’t anymore. Therapy can allow you to examine these beliefs, where they came from, and can offer an opportunity to consider why you still hold on to it.

I tell clients that they don’t have to be anything other than themselves in our sessions,

and that it’s okay if they don’t know what that means yet. It’s a delight for me to be on this

journey with them to figure out who they are, what they want, and what it means for them to be happy. Whatever feeling you might have about struggled with being authentic, know that you’re not alone. Many people experience times where they feel it is harder to be themselves around others and there are certainly times when putting on a mask for others feels like the safest option. It is important to be able to figure out when these times are and be curious about why those situations feel more difficult to be authentic. As a therapist, I’m happy to explore these challenges and other issues related to authenticity with the clients I work with.