Understanding How Intergenerational Trauma Shapes Parenting
- José D. Lebrón, MEd
- Aug 12
- 6 min read
Updated: Oct 22
Have you ever thought about your childhood and how you would like to treat your child differently than how you were treated?
Maybe, you told yourself, “I am not going to make my kid feel the same way I felt growing up.”
These thoughts help form our parenting styles and the ways we handle ourselves with our children. Many parents and caregivers carry invisible burdens that come from intergenerational trauma. These can manifest in memories of being punished traumatically, or being told things like “you better not cry before I give you a reason to cry”, or not having the opportunities that come from generational wealth, such as access to resources to help foster development. Reflecting on these experiences will make us want to break these patterns and change the narrative with our children. There is a desire to begin healing from what you have gone through as a child.
We don’t often talk about those experiences openly, but they impact how we respond to our children. This can be in our tone of voice, in moments of stress, or in the rules we create, and sometimes we do not fully understand why.
I want to say that this isn’t about blame, even though some may feel that way initially. Most caregivers are doing the best they can. Still, we can sometimes reinforce the very patterns we are trying to avoid or create new patterns that have negative results in reaching developmental milestones.
As a certified bilingual school psychologist, I’ve had the privilege of working with families from many cultural backgrounds who are navigating these challenges. Families want to show up differently for their children. They want to build homes and classrooms rooted in emotional safety, not in fear, but the process isn’t always easy.
This is especially true when your own childhood taught you to suppress your needs, stay alert for danger, or never ask for help.
Understanding intergenerational trauma gives us language and insight into these experiences. It helps us see that certain parenting behaviors aren’t just personal choices. Once we recognize this, we can begin to make new choices; ones that are grounded in awareness, healing, and hope.
How does intergenerational trauma influence parenting styles? How might these patterns show up in daily life? What can families and educators do to support healing for themselves and the next generation?
What Is Intergenerational Trauma?
Intergenerational trauma refers to the psychological and emotional effects of trauma that are passed from one generation to the next. These effects usually come from historical events like war, forced migration, systemic racism, or community violence, and from personal or familial experiences, such as neglect, abuse, or loss.
When trauma is not addressed, it doesn’t just fade away. It can affect how we cope with stress, how we form relationships, and how we raise or support children.
Parenting Through the Lens of Trauma
Parents and caregivers can become overly strict or controlling, because the unpredictability in their own childhoods makes them feel as if safety is dependent on control. Others might become overly permissive, trying to protect their children from the pain they once felt themselves as a result of feeling that they were being controlled. For instance, parents may feel like they do not want to tell their child “NO” because their parents told them NO for most of their lives. Additionally, others may find themselves shutting down emotionally and struggling with consistency because their own caregivers weren’t emotionally present or consistent in their messaging.
As a future school psychologist and a previous bilingual preschool teacher, I often hear families say things like:
“I don’t want my child to grow up the way I did.”
“I want my child to be able to do what they want because I was unable to when I was young”
“I don’t want my child to live life not getting what they want because I didn’t get what I wanted when I was a child.”
“I try so hard to be patient, but sometimes I just lose it.”
“The world is not safe anymore, I’d rather make sure they are with me to make sure they are safe.”
“They are the baby of the house, so we let them do what they want to make sure they stay happy.”
These are not signs of bad parenting.
These are signs of unresolved pain and a desire to do better.
New Parenting Style are Beginning to Interrupt Autonomy and Boundaries
I would like to focus on how the effects of intergenerational trauma can interrupt a child’s ability to develop autonomy, respect for boundaries, and internal motivation. These are important developmental milestones that help children become confident, respectful, and emotionally intelligent. When these areas are disrupted, children may become entitled, dysregulated, or defiant. This is not because they are “bad kids,” but because they’re missing critical developmental experiences.
You ask, how does intergenerational trauma affect parenting styles?
Let’s take a deeper dive!
Overprotection or Enmeshment - Some caregivers who experienced chaos or neglect in their own childhoods may respond by doing everything for their children. This comes from love, but it unintentionally prevents your child from learning how to problem-solve, tolerate frustration, have emotional regulation skills or feel capable on their own.
When children aren’t allowed to struggle through challenges, they don’t develop confidence. Instead, they develop dependency and entitlement.
Lack of Boundaries - In homes where trauma went unspoken or unresolved, boundaries may be inconsistent or entirely absent. Children who are being raised this way may learn that emotions are unsafe, limits are negotiable, or that “no” doesn’t really mean no. These children often struggle with self-regulation, respect for authority, and understanding consequences.
When boundaries aren’t clear, children may act out not to defy but to test and find safety.
Avoiding Discipline Out of Guilt - Parents who were harshly punished or emotionally neglected may avoid any form of correction with their own children. This avoidance can take away from children learning the connection between behavior and consequence. This often leads to difficulty functioning in structured environments like school.
When children don’t learn what it means to earn something, they may struggle with entitlement and low frustration tolerance.
What We See in Classrooms and Homes
It’s important to be aware of our parenting styles may lead to:
Emotional dysregulation - frequent outbursts, difficulty calming down
Executive functioning delays - inattention, poor planning, disorganization
Low frustration tolerance - meltdowns over minor challenges
Social immaturity - difficulty with turn-taking, sharing, or understanding others’ feelings
Delayed independence, Autonomy - difficulty initiating tasks, excessive reliance on adults
Oftentimes, educators and other individuals hear these children labeled as “difficult” or “disrespectful,” when in reality, they are trying to function without the developmental tools they need.
How Families and Educators Can Help: Healing Through Structure and Connection
GOOD NEWS!!!!
Healing is possible and children are incredibly responsive to change when given structure, consistency, and emotional safety.
Let me tell you some things that can help!
Model calm, consistent boundaries - An example of this is, “I see you're upset, but hitting is not okay. Let’s take a 55-minute
break and then try again.”
Give opportunities for autonomy and earning -Let children experience the satisfaction of trying, failing, and succeeding.
Don’t rush to rescue - Let children experience manageable challenges to build emotional resilience.
Repair relationships after ruptures - Emotional safety grows when adults take responsibility and reconnect after conflict.
Allow children to play with friends -Allowing children to play with their friends allows them to solve problems on their own. This can result in them being able to develop proper problem-solving skills.
Be the Cycle-Breaker
Are you noticing that you relate to some of these parenting styles?
If you are, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Having these insights should not make you feel ashamed. Simply try to adjust your style.
Intergenerational Trauma DOES NOT define your family’s future.
Having insight and awareness is the first step toward growth.
Our children don’t need perfect adults.
They need present, growing, and compassionate ones.
Are you a concerned parent looking to consult with a child expert school psychologist?
Interested in working to undue the impacts of intergenerational trauma on your parenting?
Email José at Jose.Lebron@PerezTherapyLLC.com
for more information and to book a consultation.