Talking to Children About Death and Grief: Tips and Resources
- Nissa Gustafson, LSW
- Sep 11
- 5 min read
Updated: Oct 22
By Nissa Gustafson, LSW at Perez Therapy, LLC
Talking about Death and Grief:
Talking about death and grief can be challenging, no matter our age and who or what we or the person we’re talking to are grieving. These hard conversations can often feel big, and it might feel difficult to know where to start but taking or providing time and space to share is an important piece of the puzzle in processing loss, understanding thoughts and feelings, and beginning to heal.
As caregivers and adults, having conversations about death and grief with the children in our lives begins with creating space for kids to ask questions, talk about their feelings, and feel supported in making sense of loss and the world around them.
Talking about death and grief looks different depending on age and developmental level, but all conversations begin with creating an environment in which you both feel safe.
Beginning the Conversation:
There’s no right way or script for talking about grief with children. To begin thinking about what works best for you, here are some suggestions that might be adapted for children of different age groups and developmental levels.
It is helpful to share information in a way that is both sensitive and straightforward. Avoid vague language and metaphors that might be hard for children to understand. Using phrases like “they went to sleep” or “they went away” can create confusion. Instead, use direct language. Be clear in communicating that their person died and the person’s body stopped working. Death means they can’t come back, but we can still think about, talk about, and love our person who died.
Books can be a helpful tool to support children in understanding death and coping with their
feelings.
For Ages 4+
● Edna by Susan Paradis
● A Terrible Thing Happened by Margaret M. Holmes
● When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown and
Marc Brown
For Ages 8+
● Mango Moon by Diane de Anda
● One Wave At A Time by Holly Thompson
● You've Got Dragons by Kathryn Cave
For Ages 11+
● Bird By Zetta Elliott
● Santiago's Road Home By Alexandra Diaz
● Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss by Pat Schwiebert
Normalizing Grief:
When talking about the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that might come after someone close to us dies, it’s important to normalize the many different ways grief may show up. I like to begin by sharing a definition of grief that includes age-appropriate examples of the ways grief may show up. I am sure to include that grief can show up in thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, as grief can take many forms, but is not always thought of in these ways.
You may say something like “grief is all of the ways we feel, think, and act when someone close to us dies.” If sadness or anger is showing up, say that out loud. “You said you were feeling really angry last night, and that’s ok. Anger is a normal feeling when someone dies.” If you’re noticing behavior changes, say that out loud too. Letting children know that their responses are normal, even if they don’t understand them at the moment, helps make them feel safe expressing their grief and begin to understand it.
Children’s capacity to understand grief and share their thoughts and feelings is much greater than we might think at first! Yes, death and grief are big and hard topics and can present different challenges, but children’s creativity and capacity to share and connect is boundless. The ways in which kids talk about grief and their feelings can also be healing and transformative for the adults in their lives.
Model Safe and Healthy Grieving:
You don’t have to have all of the answers but practicing how you want to have a conversation about grief ahead of time might be helpful. It can be important to:
● Allow time for conversations and make sure you provide the opportunity for questions. It
can be helpful to set aside time when you know you don’t have to rush or be somewhere
soon.
● Know that it’s ok to say, “I don’t know” and return to a question at a later time.
● When talking to kids about death and grief, practice validating their feelings and showing
them that there is no right or wrong way to feel. For example, “thinking about grandma
makes you happy. Me too, we did so many fun things together.” Or “You feel angry that
dad isn’t here. That’s ok, being angry makes sense. I’m here to help you with your angry
feelings.”
● Practice reassurance and patience. Conversations about death and grief don’t happen
once, and it’s ok to take things slow and repeat information. Practice saying things like, “I am here, we can talk about this again.” Or “it’s ok if you don’t want to talk about this
right now. We can always talk more later.”
Supporting Yourself as an Adult and Caregiver:
When it comes to talking about death and grief, it’s important to practice patience and self-
compassion. These conversations are hard, and it’s important to acknowledge that you are
likely also grieving. Depending on your relationship to the person who died, your feelings and reactions might look very different from the child or adolescent you’re supporting, but it is important to check in with yourself and seek support as needed.
In addition to navigating your own grief, you might also be navigating new or evolving roles in supporting the children in your life. This brings its own connected but distinct set of changes and challenges. You might find yourself stepping into a new or different parenting role or taking on increased responsibilities in the midst of moving through your own grief. These changes can feel isolating and disorienting, and finding support through connecting with other caregivers and people dealing with similar challenges can be helpful in feeling less alone and overwhelmed.
Connecting with other people who are navigating death and grief is important. Individual therapy can be incredibly supportive, and when combined with the opportunity to connect other people who have similar experiences, both children and adults can feel validated that they are not alone in their feelings. Talking to a therapist and finding a support group may be helpful in building community and understanding for what you’re going through.
And remember, you don’t have to navigate this alone. It’s important for children to be able to
have these conversations with different adults they trust, and identifying other people both you and the children in your lives can talk to is an important part of the process. Perez Therapy, LLC is here to help. If you’d like to work with a therapist, fill out our prescreening form, and a member of our team will get back to you within 1-2 business days.
Additional Resources:
● Uplift Center for Grieving Children offers free grief support groups for children in grades
K-12th and caregivers. Visit their website to learn more.
Uplift Center for Grieving Children also operates a free and confidential helpline open to youth, caregivers, schools, and service providers in the Philadelphia Region. Call the Philly HopeLine at 833-PHL-HOPE (833-745-4673)
● Visit the National Alliance for Children’s Grief Resource Library for tip sheets, guides,
and more.
● For more book recommendations and descriptions, visit the links below:
