Queering Friendships
- Alex Clements, LSW
- 3 days ago
- 7 min read
By: Alex Clements
A frequent topic in therapy among my clients is the loneliness they are experiencing. As we begin to explore this feeling, what often becomes evident is the ways in which many people feel pressure to be as amicable and easy going as they can when it comes to their platonic relationships. Clients often share beliefs that they can’t text their friends to hang out too often, lest they be seen as needy. They tell me stories about not being able to share their fears or anxieties with their friends in order to “protect” the friend from the discomfort of what they might be experiencing. They often reference tweets and posts that they have read about how it’s annoying to ask a friend to help you move, or pick you up from the airport, which informs beliefs about what’s acceptable to “burden” others with. They also tell me about how they are dying to have a connection with their friends where they can lean on them, feel accepted as themselves, and that they fear that if this security does not happen immediately in a developing friendship, it’s never going to happen.
In addition to these beliefs about how we are allowed to act in friendships and pacing in friendships, for many people there is also a narrow view of what friendship is, and how those relationships should look. This happens for many reasons, but generally our beliefs form out of the ways we are raised (how our family viewed the role of friendships), media depictions of friendships, and beliefs about interdependence. When we begin to consider our own beliefs about friendships, we are able to challenge some of the assumptions we may have made about these relationships and begin to build friendships in a way that acknowledges the different desires and needs we each have.
Exploring Your Beliefs about Friendships.
Challenging friendship norms requires curiosity about our own beliefs about friendships. Something that can be helpful is to spend some time thinking about friendships throughout your life, or the friendships you’ve witnessed others having. What are some common threads you see in these relationships? How do friends show up for each other? What kind of physical affection do they show one another (if any), and what beliefs do you have about why certain affection may not be appropriate? In what ways are they allowed and able to rely on one another? How do they share vulnerable thoughts and experiences with one another? Are there certain topics that aren’t discussed, and if so, why not?
It’s important to note that while considering these questions, we are not judging the beliefs that we may have, rather being curious about them. Therapy can be a helpful place to discuss these ideas, as a therapist may be able to help point out ways in which you may make judgements about your beliefs and can help you approach the subject with compassion.
Common Misconceptions About Friendships:
Men and women can’t be friends. This is particularly common among cishet folks and often stems from heteronormative myths about men’s sexual desire and the historical socialization that men and women should only see one another as romantic or sexual partners.
More friends is better. Social connections are not a bad thing, and in fact as humans we are often motivated to form more social connections. The belief that more friends are better is not always true. If a person does not have a single friendship (or multiple) in which they feel they can be truly themselves and be supported, it may not matter how many friendships they have. Having 1000 instagram followers is great until none of them are willing to help you change a tire.
Friendship shouldn’t require work. I should feel an immediate connection to someone I am developing a friendship with. This belief often comes from early childhood experiences of making friends. For many people, it was easy in kindergarten to make a friend, largely because we saw the same people every day and likely had very similar interests. As adults, we have a different experience. Friendships require intention to get to know others as whole, complex people. It requires effort to show up and maintain communication. Developing a close friendship, or the idealized “best friend,” can often require years of getting to know each other and showing up for one another.
Friendships should last forever, or else they have “failed.” Some friendships are temporary, but that does not mean they are not worth having. Friendships end for many reasons, like moving apart, having different beliefs, and the relationship beginning to feel unbalanced or one-sided. Ending a friendship does not mean you, or even the friend in question, has failed or is a bad person.
Friendships are less important than other relationships in my life. This is an interesting belief and is one that each person may need to examine for themselves. For some people, familial relationships take priority, for others romantic relationships do. This does not mean either is inherently right or wrong, it’s simply something worth exploring. You may want to ponder why you may feel this way, and if there are times when you don’t feel this way. Often, though, the belief that friendships are more disposable than other relationships can lead us to having less vulnerable connections with our friends and less support and balance in our lives.
If my friend disagrees with me, they are a bad friend. Some people believe that a friendship means forever being loyal to one another and aligned, regardless of what is done. The idea of deep support is meaningful, especially as friends are there through the difficulties of our lives. If there is a disagreement between friends, often people may see their friend as not being supportive of them. This contributes to the idea that our friendships are extremely conditional in a way we might not hold other relationships to.
There are certain things friends can’t do together. Similar to the myth about the importance of friendships, we learn a lot about what friends are allowed to do through the people in our lives and the messages we receive from society (whether in the form of media or overt discussion). Friends can’t hold hands, friends can’t go on dates, friends can’t share a bed, friends can’t kiss, friends can’t hold one another while they cry, friends shouldn’t be a priority….to which I ask you, why not?
All friendships follow the same rules. Every relationship, regardless of the type, ultimately comes down to continued negotiations of those relationships. What works with one friend may not work for another, and the flexibility to discuss how each of you wants to show up for one another means your friendships can look however you want.
What exactly do you mean “Queering”
The term queering comes from queer theory of the 80s and 90s originally as a way to challenge heteronormativity in text, film, and other forms of media. As language often does, the meaning of this has expanded to not just explore topics of gender and sexuality, but also systems of oppression in the world we exist in. For the purposes of this piece, queering is the radical act of subverting the dominant culture, particularly the ways in which society teaches us how to show up in various relationships. Queering friendship means challenging the norms of how friendships are supposed to exist and the boundaries and expectations they follow.
Given what we know about societal beliefs about friendships, to queer our friendships is to ask how the relationships could best meet the needs of everyone involved. It’s to ask why we believe certain acts aren’t allowed to happen in platonic relationships, to recognize that often the only reason we believe this is because we were taught to.
One example that I think of is expressing physical affection. For some people, a hug is shared among friends. What about holding hands? What about cuddling? Kissing? Do some of these feel more comfortable to share with someone you would call a friend? If you’re able to, it could be helpful to consider the messages that teach you what acts are reserved for what kind of relationship, and whether that is a belief you share or if it is one you just hadn’t considered could be challenged.
Another way to consider the queering of friendship is the ways in which friends may depend on and commit to each other. If two people decide to build their lives together (purchase a house, raise children, share a bank account), would or could that still be a friendship? With an expansive view of relationships, it absolutely could be. None of those actions are inherently romantic, but would likely not be considered “typical” of friends.
Some possibilities for queering friendships.
The possibilities of how you can negotiate your friendships are truly endless. Only you, and your friend, get a say in what your relationship looks like.
Sometimes you and your friends go on dates that might otherwise be reserved for romantic partners.
Telling one another you love each other, and sharing other forms of verbal affection.
You may choose to live with a friend instead of family or a romantic partner.
If you were sick or unable to care for yourself, perhaps your friend would take on a caregiving role.
You and your friend may make commitments to one another, whether that is to work out challenges, to prioritize plans with one another, or to be financially interdependent.
Sometimes you and your friends are more physically affectionate, whether this is holding hands, cuddling on the couch for a movie, kissing, and sex.
With an expansive idea of friendships, we are allowed to create connections that actually meet our needs and feel good, so long as everyone involved agrees on the boundaries and expectations. Society, adults in our childhood, media, and many other factors teach us what to expect in friendships, though not always in a way that aligns with what we truly believe. By challenging these beliefs about what relationships can’t be like and exploring where these messages might come from, we’re able to build meaningful connections in our lives that work for us.