How to Date Again After Being in an Abusive Relationship
- Gabriella Gueits, LSW
- Jun 11
- 6 min read
Updated: Jun 14
By Gabriella Gueits, LSW at Perez Therapy, LLC
One of the hardest things to do after leaving or ending an abusive relationship is building up the courage to find love again. Abusive relationships can deeply damage a survivor’s self-confidence and ability to trust in themselves and others. Emotional wounds left behind may linger long after the relationship has ended, which can create fear, anxiety, and self-doubt when thinking about new relationships. It can also cause you to question your judgement and feel unworthy of healthy love.
As a therapist who works with survivors of intimate partner violence and domestic violence–and as a survivor myself–I’d like to offer you 5 tips to consider when thinking about dating after an abusive relationship.
Process the Previous Relationship
Domestic violence and intimate partner violence can leave behind emotional and/or physical scars. These scars can take time to heal. Before you start dating again, make sure you take some time to process the relationship. Dating immediately after being in an abusive relationship could put you in another vulnerable position, which is why taking time for yourself afterwards is key to personal growth and healing and to finding a long lasting and healthy relationship.
Seek domestic violence counseling or join a support group. Therapy can be a great tool to process past trauma and gain insight and knowledge about domestic violence and intimate partner violence. Psychoeducation about trauma and abuse is important for survivors to build awareness and safety from potential re-traumatization.
Cut off ties with your abusive ex-partner (if possible). If you're unable to cut off ties with your abusive ex because of children, focus on creating a plan for safe communication and setting boundaries. Before beginning a new relationship or dating, make sure you are over and have processed the old one.
Know Red Flags of Abuse
Education around what domestic violence is and red flags of abuse in relationships can be helpful to avoid beginning a relationship with someone that could also be abusive. The beginning stage of dating is a great time to observe someone’s behavior, ask questions, and learn more about that person. It’s important to remember that domestic violence is not just physical abuse, but that it can also be emotional/psychological/verbal/sexual. Red flags of abuse are warning signs that someone may be abusive, manipulative, or controlling. Some of these red flags include excessive jealousy, name calling, playing mind games, blaming you for the abuse, threats of ending the relationship, etc.
The power and control wheel (see below) is a great tool to better understand what tactics of abuse can look like. These are all examples of red flags of abuse in a domestic violence relationship.
Other examples of abuse not listed on the wheel include:
● Financial abuse - Examples include harassment at the workplace, controlling finances or assets, damaging credit score
● Abuse by immigration status - Examples include destroying immigration papers or withholding information, restricting partner from learning English, threats of hurting family or deportation
● Spiritual abuse - Examples include insults of one’s religion, using religion to justify abuse, forcing participation in religion
Trust Your Instincts
As a survivor of domestic violence and intimate partner violence, you have developed instincts based on your lived experience. Our brain has a built-in sensor, the amygdala, that detects threats or danger, and initiates our fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses. These survival skills, as I like to call them, keep us safe from harm. However, over time the amygdala can become hyper-sensitive because of repeated or increased traumatization. These instincts can then be triggered or activated constantly as a result of trauma.
After an abusive relationship, it can be hard to trust our instincts because one may experience guilt or self-blame related to the abuse. This is why grounding techniques, understanding domestic violence and red flags for abuse, and healing from the trauma can be beneficial. Trauma can rewire our brains, but trauma-focused therapeutic modalities can help to heal the brain.
Practice Setting Boundaries
Boundary setting is a helpful tool to create healthy and long-lasting relationships. Often in abusive relationships, boundaries get crossed, violated, or even disrespected. It can be hard to set boundaries for multiple reasons in an abusive relationship; mostly, because abusers do not like boundaries because they want to maintain power and control over the victim. However, boundary setting is a way that you can protect your energy, time, and emotions, and create safety, gain respect, and control in a situation.
Communicating boundaries can be tough for a lot of people. Boundary setting starts with identifying what your boundaries are. Some questions to consider are: What are your values? What makes you feel uncomfortable? What do you need in a relationship to feel safe? What are your non-negotiables in a relationship? Once you identify your boundaries, write them down. Create a list of hard “no’s” and hard “yes’s”. Knowing what you are and are not okay within a relationship can help you when you’re dating. Red flags of abuse should be considered when thinking of boundaries.
After you create your list of boundaries, practice them. Communicate your boundaries to others. Use “I” statements to frame your boundaries to express your feelings and your needs clearly. Practice saying “no”! No is a boundary and you don’t owe anyone any explanation for saying no. Boundaries are not ultimatums used to control people, but are guardrails that allow you to manage and choose what you will and won’t allow in your life and personal space. It can be difficult to know how to set a boundary. Here are some examples of boundaries you can set:
● “I don’t like the way you’re speaking to me. If you continue to call me names, I will hang up the phone (or leave)”
● “I feel uncomfortable when you touch me there. I’d prefer if you ask before you do that again next time”
● “I don’t appreciate you threatening me. If you continue making threats, I will have to take legal action”
These are some examples of boundaries to set. Keep in mind that you can set boundaries before dating - such as things that you aren’t okay with in a relationship - and even while dating. It is never too late to set a boundary. Sometimes we don’t always know what we are comfortable with until someone does or says something that makes us uncomfortable.
Lastly, don’t apologize for your boundaries. If someone crosses your boundaries, address the person calmly and restate the boundary. The hardest part of setting a boundary is upholding it. When someone doesn’t uphold the boundary, you can set realistic “consequences” or actions that you will take. If you asked someone not to call you names and they keep doing so, an example of a realistic consequence would be, to say, “I’ve asked you not to call me names and yet you continued to do this. Until you apologize to me, I won’t speak to you”. Another example would be, “I told you that I don’t like when you take my stuff or look through my things. If you keep taking my things without asking, I won’t let you borrow anything from me anymore”.
Boundary setting can be challenging and may feel uncomfortable the first time you try to set a boundary. This is because we don’t always learn how to set boundaries growing up. You can practice boundary setting with your friends or even family members. The more times you set a boundary, the easier it will become over time.
Take Your Time
The most important part of dating after an abusive relationship is to TAKE YOUR TIME. Dating after being hurt - physically, emotionally, verbally, psychologically - is extremely difficult. It is not easy to trust people after being hurt by someone that you love. Healing after an abusive relationship takes time and everyone processes trauma differently. Domestic violence agencies do not recommend that you enter into a new relationship right after leaving an abusive relationship. This is because you are vulnerable and potentially unable to recognize red flags so soon after the relationship leading to the potential of retraumatization and another abusive relationship. As a survivor and domestic violence counselor, I agree that people should not date so immediately after an abusive relationship; however, that does not mean a relationship is off limits. Just be careful when dating again to avoid further harm.
When thinking about dating again, take the time that YOU need to heal. Your timeframe for dating is not going to be the same as another survivor of domestic violence. As you think about dating, set a plan. Seek counseling. Lean on family or friends or other support systems. Learn about red flags of abuse and domestic violence. Create boundaries and expectations for future relationships.
STAY SAFE. If you’re dating and meeting people online, think about sharing your plans with someone you trust. Share your location with others. Have an escape plan ready if necessary. And if you ever feel uncomfortable during a date, you can always leave.
Remember - You are worthy of having a HEALTHY and LOVING relationship that makes you feel good and safe.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence or intimate partner violence, you don’t have to struggle alone. Perez Therapy, LLC is here to help. You can also call the Philadelphia Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-866-723-3014.