Grief: A Universal Yet Unique Experience

By: Vincent Recupido, LSW

Studio Humi- Unsplash

Loss and grief are universal and unfortunately unavoidable, yet they can look different for each person. While there are certain theories on how people experience grief and loss, such as the five stages, there is no “correct” way to navigate such intense feelings. Just like with trauma, many can be grieving without consciously recognizing it because of society’s narrow view of the concept. 

When most people think of grief, they think of the death of a loved one and a period of mourning that follows. Many cultures set an established or unspoken amount of time that grieving should last for before it is considered taboo, which can make someone navigating these experiences  feel pressured and rushed. Setting a timeline for such a complex experience is not only counterproductive, it can also be harmful. Instead of processing and focusing on their own experience, these unrealistic social expectations can add stress to an already overwhelming process. 

Grief can take shape in many ways outside of that traditional definition, even when the person being grieved is still alive. Referred to as ambiguous loss, this occurs when an individual is physically or psychologically absent. Common examples of being psychologically absent are people suffering from addiction or a life altering illness, such as dementia. While that person still is here, they do not possess the same qualities or behaviors that they once did. You are mourning who they used to be.

Karacis Studio- Unsplash

Someone can also be physically absent but not psychologically, such as when someone is part of an estranged relationship or you’ve lost contact with someone meaningful in your life. These people might be alive and well, but the loss of them in your life can still emit feelings of grief. This can even be argued as more confusing of a concept than traditional grief, for it is an unresolved or ongoing circumstance. In these events, closure can be even more difficult to obtain.

Circumstances such as these can transition into another concept known as disenfranchised grief, which is a form of grief that is not widely recognized or socially validated. This is a broad definition that can take many forms. We can grieve a missed opportunity, a past home, or even a former lifestyle. Grief in of itself is the loss of something, but that loss can be anyone and anything that once held value in your life. This is why many people don’t recognize that they are experiencing grief and aren’t able to properly process what they are feeling. 

That being said, the most important takeaway is to be kind to yourself when grieving any sort of loss. There is no wrong way to grieve, as it looks different for everyone. We grieve various things in unique ways and at variable times throughout our lives, and they all deserve to be validated. The first step in helping ourselves is identifying how we are feeling, and acknowledging the differing ways we experience grief and loss can help further our understanding of what kind of support we may need.